


league of scholars (and future gas station attendants)

by sunflowershayne



Category: Smosh
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Birthday, Chatting & Messaging, Drinking, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Eventual Relationships, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gus is also just mentioned, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Implied/Referenced Sex, Kate & Brina are pretty much just mentioned, M/M, Marijuana, Multi, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking, Wisconsin Boy is revealed :), am i a Big Gay? perhaps, this is purely self indulgent i just wanted to write myself into dating shayne and damien
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-01-15 07:58:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18494716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowershayne/pseuds/sunflowershayne
Summary: Foster got into his dream college via a music scholarship. The only problem now is that he's been roped into a group of friends of the other full-ride music scholarship recipient, and said recipient is really freaking cute.





	1. ian hecocks: Blocked and reported for cyberbullying

**damemen house** has added  **fostertheperson** to group chat  **SMOSH**

**fostertheperson:** uh, what's up gamers

**damemen house:** oh damn a true gamer

**shane top:** they have proven themselves worthy they may pass

**m@raub:** Quick question, who the hell is this

**damemen house:** oh!

**damemen house:** so you know how i got that scholarship here because i did a sing?

**livsaparty:** how tf could we forget u have the voice of an angel

**damemen house:** well, Foster got a scholarship too!

**couwtney miwwew:** OH HEYYYYYYYY!!!!!! NICE

**fostertheperson:** thank you! aaa

**fostertheperson:** i will ask tho, why i was added to a group chat full of people whose names i don't recognize

**damemen house:** these are all my friends from high school!!

**fostertheperson:** um for clarity's sake can y'all introduce yourselves to me?

**damemen house:** sure!

**damemen house:** i think you already know who i am though so uhhh Shanye

**shane top:** what up, i'm shayne topp, i'm 21, and i never fucking learned how to read

**livsaparty:** im olivia sui and if u see me in ur dreams uve already lost

**couwtney miwwew:** It's ya boi Courtney Miller Lover of Asses and Resident Queer Disaster

**leakydraws:** oh hey new person!!! my names keith leak jr and im dating the twig known as noah grossman

**noah gross man:**  Im babie, call 911 (Im noah what the fuck is up)

**ian hecocks:** And I'm Ian Hecox, Dad Friend extraordinaire (trademark pending)

**damemen house:** we call them the Smosh Squad for no real reason other than the fact that ian can't spell

**ian hecocks:** YOU MISSPELL THE WORD SMASH ONE TIME

**damemen house:** super smosh bros

**ian hecocks:**  Blocked and reported for cyberbullying

**damemen house:** and then we have the game crew, introduce thyselves

**bigbossboots:** i'm boze and this is jackass

**lasered corn:** MY NAME IS DAVID BUT DONT CALL ME THAT MY NAME IS LASERCORN AND I WILL ONLY BE ADDRESSED AS SUCH

**joven of the shire:** My name's Joven :)

**wildwildwes:** MY NAME IS WES, I'M FROM THE WILD WILD WEST AND I'M ABOUT TO GET SHOT IN MY MOTHERFUCKIN' CHEST, BUT DON'T BE SAD-

**tacohashi:** no offense Wes, but if you continue that thought I will absolutely strike you dead.

**tacohashi:**  also I'm Mari!

**so kinky:** I'm Matt Sohinki, but people just call me by my last name because we already got another Matt

**damemen house:** oh and we have our two Dads that watch over us

**damemen house:**  (they're literally only a year older than all of us except for Ian)

**m@raub:** I am the other Matt

**beretathanyou:** And I'm Joe Bereta! You can call me Uncle Joe, though!

**fostertheperson:** cool! uh, i'm foster! it's my last name but people usually just use it when they want to talk to me

**damemen house:** nice!

**damemen house:** btw you guys have GOT to hear him sing some time

**damemen house:** he puts my voice to shame

**fostertheperson:** sounds fake but okay

**bigbossboots:**  you picked a memer damien

**bigbossboots:** you better cherish him and hold him dear

**fostertheperson:** um what

**tacohashi:**  are you two not dating then, orrrrr...?

**damemen house:** we are not

**fostertheperson:** we are not, and more than likely never will

**damemen house:** well hey nothing's impossible

**fostertheperson:** considering we just met and have no idea if we'll even get along this is probably a bad idea

**shane top:** stranger things have happened

**shane top:** damien once dated a guy in eighth grade that had just moved in from wisconsin

**damemen house:** do not finish that thought or so help me god shayne

**shane top:** i couldnt give a shit about god

**tacohashi:** bold words coming from someone who's 5'8" and has never once had sex

**shane top:** hey ian could you block and report mari for cyberbullying too

**ian hecocks:** Already one step ahead of you ;)

**shane top:** thnx bb <3

**fostertheperson:** oh damien! would you be able to talk about the whole performance thing we have to do at the end of the year tomorrow after classes?

**livsaparty:** ooh r u 2 gonna do the sing song 2gether?!

**couwtney miwwew:** I AM SO DOWN TO HEAR YOU TWO SING TOGETHER I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL OF MY UWUS

**leakydraws:** if you need a backup vocalist let a bitch know!!!!

**noah gross man:**  If u need the boyfriend of the backup vocalist to also be there for some reason let this bitch know

**ian hecocks:** Hey do you think you guys could maybe, I don't know, give your Smosh Daddy some free tickets to the show

**shane top:** JUST. DUET

**couwtney miwwew:** hey shayne can you just perish right quick

**tacohashi:** okay but can I second Ian's motion? because we're all just broke bitches trying to survive.

**so kinky:** Broke enough to where you could buy like 10 cases of beer for the party you held in your shared apartment with Boze last week?

**tacohashi:** if you're not having fun you can go home Sohinki.

**bigbossboots:** you literally didnt have to call us out like that you salty bitch

**beretathanyou:** Okay, can you kids fucking break it up? We have a guest.

**m@raub:** Yeah can you fucking keep it down you're gonna scare Damien's potential new boyfriend off

**fostertheperson:** yet again i must stress that it's not going to happen

**damemen house:** yeah i can do that! i get done at 3

**fostertheperson:** sick okay

**shane top:** ok now kiss

**damemen house:** i will kick you from this chat shayne i swear to god

**shane top:** you can't kick me i'm too powerful


	2. lasered corn: IS IT CRACK? IS THAT WHAT YOU SMOKE? YOU SMOKE CRACK?

**lasered corn:** AMERICANS BE

**joven of the shire:** Shart

**ian hecocks:** At the local Wal-Mart

**livsaparty:** turn that shit up thats my jam b

**damemen house:** it's 4 am go to sleep you sons of geese

**shane top:** no u

**damemen house:** fuck you

**couwtney miwwew:** NO SWEARING IN THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE

**couwtney miwwew:** SHIT

**wildwildwes:** YEAH, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, MY MOM WILL GET MAD AT ME :(

**noah gross man:** Ur literally 21 y/o

**noah gross man:** Ur a fully grown adult man

**wildwildwes:** AND YOUR POINT IS?????

**noah gross man:** Nvm ur right

**leakydraws:** let us say the fuck word if we want to mom!!!!!!!! >:(

**couwtney miwwew:** NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**shane top:** well what if we asked dad instead

**noah gross man:** Which one lmao

**ian hecocks:** I mean, I'm right here

**ian hecocks:** And I'm all for swearing up a storm

**wildwildwes:** YAYYYYYYYYYYY

**ian hecocks:** Not you, Wes, you're a good boy

**wildwildwes:** :(:(:(:(((((

**joven of the shire:** Ha ha, get fucked

**wildwildwes:** FUCK ME YOURSELF YOU COWARD

**joven of the shire:** No, I'm in a happy committed relationship you giant

**wildwildwes:** WELL THEN ASK KATE IF YOU CAN FUCK ME YOURSELF

**joven of the shire:** No??????????

**livsaparty:** coward

**shane top:** coward

**noah gross man:** Coward

**ian hecocks:** Coward

**joven of the shire:** Actually, you know what? Fuck you guys, I'm going to bed

**wildwildwes:** YOU CAN SLEEP ALL YOU WANT

**wildwildwes:** WE KNOW THE TRUTH

**livsaparty:** quick sum1 screenshot so we can blackmail jovie

**tacohashi:** already on it, Liv-Liv B)

**livsaparty:**  ur the best mari

**couwtney miwwew:** That's Gay

**tacohashi:** no u

**livsaparty:** no u

**bigbossboots:** no u

**couwtney miwwew:** OK GODDAMN YOU DIDNT HAVE TO ROAST ME THAT HARD

**bigbossboots:** do you want to get roasted even harder court-bort

**bigbossboots:** bc i literally woke up from my slumber just to join the squad in roasting your gay ass

**bigbossboots:** ahaha night xx

**couwtney miwwew:** YOU COME BACK HERE AND FACE THE DISCOURSE BOZE BOZINGTON

**tacohashi:** um

**tacohashi:** she already went back to sleep, soooo...

**couwtney miwwew:** GODDAMMIT >:/

**damemen house:** why the hell are we all awake at 4:19 am anyway

**lasered corn:** OH YOU KNOW ;)

**ian hecocks:** Everybody shut the fuck up it's one minute away from the God number

**damemen house:** i knew this was going to happen and yet

**lasered corn:** HAPPY FUCKING POT HOUR

**so kinky:** I believe I was summoned?

**noah gross man:** I was already here but i was also summoned i think

**noah gross man:** Oh shit its blaze time

**damemen house:** noah do not start smoking pot at 4:20 am

**noah gross man:** Ok.......... i "wont" b "smoking" "weed" "2day" then

**lasered corn:** WAIT WHATS WITH THE QUOTES

**shane top:** wait do you really not get it lasercorn

**lasered corn:** WHAT IS HE SMOKING

**lasered corn:** IS IT CRACK? IS THAT WHAT YOU SMOKE? YOU SMOKE CRACK?

**lasered corn:** SOMEONE EXPLAIN

**shane top:** go to sleep maybe you'll know what it is in the morning

**lasered corn:** NO NOW IM GOING TO BE RESTLESS ALL NIGHT YOU GODDAMN FUCK

**noah gross man:** Lmao sry man

**lasered corn:** SORRY DOESNT BRING BACK MY BEAUTY SLEEP

**noah gross man:** Tell brina i said hi lmao

**lasered corn:** FUCK YOU

**damemen house:** okay but seriously we should all be going to sleep don't we all have a shared morning class together

**so kinky:** Bold of you to assume I'd allow myself to wake up at any time past noon

**shane top:** bold of you to assume that i'm actually taking college classes

**noah gross man:** Bold of u 2 assume that i actually exist

**leakydraws:** wait wait wait hold on if you dont exist then who tf is my boyfriend

**noah gross man:** It is a mystery

**noah gross man:** doo doo doo doo

**leakydraws:** i hate you

**noah gross man:** Ily2 babe x

**ian hecocks:** Ha, gay

**couwtney miwwew:** No U

**ian hecocks:** Goddammit, I've been fooled again

**m@raub:** Can you all just shut the fuck up for one night

**damemen house:** apparently not

**beretathanyou:** Let them be. Don't you remember when we were young and in our prime, Matt Raub?

**m@raub:** Joe we are both 22 Gregorian years old

**beretathanyou:** Fair point.

**joven of the shire:** Well, when you say shit like "22 Gregorian years old" I think we'd be forgiven for saying that you're a grandpa.

**m@raub:** Joven I will not hesitate to kick you out of this goddamn group chat

**ian hecocks:** Should we put it to a vote

**joven of the shire:** Insult. Retracted.

**m@raub:** You are goddamn right it is

* * *

_[8:41 am]_

**fostertheperson** has sent an attachment: "why the fuck are there 842 new messages.jpg"

**fostertheperson:** is this what i get for punching someone in middle school? is this like, my personal hell

**damemen house:** well, if it's your hell, we must have very similar devils behind our back

**shane top:** that was poetic

**damemen house:** fuck you

**shane top:** noted


	3. bigbossboots: wait yall pay taxes???? lmao

_meanwhile, in the_ **_Smosh Games_ ** _group chat..._

* * *

  **joven of the shire:** Have any of you gotten the homework for Professor Vasquez done yet

 **joven of the shire:** It's kind of an emergency

 **bigbossboots:** did kate say she would put you on the couch if you didnt raise your grade jovert

 **joven of the shire:** ...No

 **tacohashi:** she totally did, nice sleuthing Bozey!

 **lasered corn:** HA JOKES ON YOU JOVEN I ALREADY DID THE HOMEWORK BUT IM NOT GOING TO HELP YOU WITH IT

 **joven of the shire:** That's just cruel, man

 **lasered corn:** SUCKS TO SUCK DOESNT IT

 **wildwildwes:** THAT'S A REALLY WEIRD PHRASE

 **wildwildwes:** "SUCKS TO SUCK"

 **tacohashi:** actually, now that you said something, it IS kinda weird.

 **damemen house:**  what's weird

 **joven of the shire:** Oh thank God, Damien you have to help me

 **damemen house:** *i* don't have to do anything except pay taxes and die

 **bigbossboots:** wait yall pay taxes???? lmao

 **damemen house:** you

 **damemen house:** you don't pay taxes?

 **damemen house:** that's a federal crime Boze you're literally committing tax evasion

 **bigbossboots:** oh well lmao

 **lasered corn:** DONT MIND ME JUST CASUALLY SCREENSHOTTING THAT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE

 **lasered corn:** JUST IN CASE THE IRS NEEDS A HELPING HAND

 **lasered corn:** WINK

 **bigbossboots:** i will personally hire a hitman to come beat the living fuck out of you lasercorn do not test me

 **wildwildwes:** AREN'T YOU LIKE 4'11"???????

 **bigbossboots:** IM 5 FOOT NOW FUCK YALL

 **damemen house:** oh Joven you need homework help?

 **joven of the shire:**  Yes, fucking finally, someone cares

 **damemen house:** what professor, man?

 **joven of the shire:** Vasquez

 **damemen house:** oh man well you are s.o.l. my guy

 **damemen house:** i'm in public speaking with Professor Tran

 **joven of the shire:** DAMMIT

 **damemen house:**  but i think Foster has Vasquez and he could help you out

 **joven of the shire:** Thank you, I owe you my life

 **tacohashi:** speaking of Fosterrrrrr~

 **tacohashi:** what's the sitch between you and him, hmmm?~

 **damemen house:** what are you talking about

 **damemen house:** there's no situation

 **damemen house:** we're the two people that got the diLaurentis Scholarship for Music Performance and we have to perform for the scholarship board in spring

 **damemen house:** that's literally it

 **bigbossboots:** yeah but you didnt have to add him to the gc for that

 **damemen house:** well, he doesn't seem like he has that many friends

 **so kinky:** Damn, you just called him the fuck out, Dames

 **damemen house:** he seemed nervous, so i told him that i had a group of friends i could introduce him to

 **tacohashi:** how the hell are you always this goddamn nice, Damien?

 **damemen house:** idk call it a gift

 **so kinky:** But, like, do you think he's cute or anything like that?

 **damemen house:** what

 **joven of the shire:** Oh yeah, now that Sohin mentions it, none of us besides you have seen him

 **damemen house:** that doesn't mean anything

 **bigbossboots:** well?????? is he hot??????????

 **lasered corn:** THIS IS A CIRCLE OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS DAMIEN

 **lasered corn:** YOURE UNDER LEGAL OBLIGATION TO TELL US THE TRUTH AT ALL TIMES

 **wildwildwes:** YEAH!!!!!!! OR I'LL DROWN YOU IN PIXIE STICKS :3

 **so kinky:** A little far, but my man's got the spirit

 **damemen house:** well he's??? um

 **tacohashi:** um is not an adjective I would use when describing someone, Damien.

 **bigbossboots:** let the man speak mari

 **bigbossboots:** hes probably all flustered and shit

 **bigbossboots:** ready to faint onto a couch or some cute southern belle shit like that

 **damemen house:** OKAY FINE YEAH HE'S KINDA CUTE BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING

 **joven of the shire:** True, you  _have_ only known each other for like, a week or so

 **bigbossboots:** but didnt shayne try and tell that story of damien dating that boy from wisconsin in eighth grade to foster

 **damemen house:** it was a lapse of judgement and now i know that i'm allergic to horses so really it was a good experience

 **wildwildwes:** WAIT WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE HORSES???????

 **tacohashi:** oh yeah, you moved in the year after.

 **so kinky:** Let's just say... it's a Wisconsin thing

 **wildwildwes:** THAT DOES NOT EASE ANY OF MY DISCOMFORT :(((((((

 **damemen house:** but anyway can we not talk about love lives right now

 **damemen house:** Shayne just texted me saying he broke up with his girlfriend last night over text

 **joven of the shire:** Uh, Becca?

 **so kinky:** No, this one's Tiffany

 **lasered corn:** IM PRETTY SURE HE WAS DATING CLOE LAST I CHECKED

 **tacohashi:** you guys are all wrong, he was dating Rosa.

 **bigbossboze:** no im pretty sure his girlfriends name is Emiko

 **wildwildwes:** I'M STILL REELING ABOUT THE HORSES HONESTLY?????????

 **m@raub:** Wait was Shayne's girlfriend a horse the entire time

 **damemen house:** n. no to all of those

 **damemen house:** it was Aaliyah

 **bigbossboots:** goddammit

 **damemen house:** and they were together for a couple of months so this is hitting him hard

 **tacohashi:** give Shayne our love and hugs and good vibes, Damien! <3

 **bigbossboze:** yeah give him my uwus

 **lasered corn:** YOUVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH COURTNEY HAVENT YOU BOZE

 **bigbossboze:** what am i not allowed to have friends outside of the games chat goddamn

 **m@raub:** Not when you also evade your taxes

 **bigbossboze:** LEAVE ME TF ALONE YALL

 **lasered corn:** TELL SHAYNE THAT WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS

 **lasered corn:** LASERCORN WILL STILL LOVE HIM

 **damemen house:** okay, i'm sending a screenshot to him

 **damemen house:** he says that Lasercorn's love is all that matters to him

 **damemen house:** and that he's jealous of Brina because she gets to caress you to sleep every night

 **lasered corn:** YEAH THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

 **joven of the shire:** That's one of the most unlikely and yet somehow perfectly sensible bromances that've formed in our friend group, honestly

 **so kinky:** I mean, they're both embodiments of tortured screams from an immortal, so...

 **wildwildwes:** CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN ABOUT THE HORSES YOU'RE SCARING ME :((((((

 **bigbossboze:** oh and can someone fuckin help me learn how to do my gotdamn taxes since its such a big deal or w/e

 **damemen house:** i'm a bit preoccupied helping my best friend since kindergarten, but i'll help you guys later

 **tacohashi:** literally what have any of us done to deserve you, Damien, our precious perfect boy?

 **damemen house:** idk i think that the Gods saw Lasercorn and Shayne in the same area together and said "we need to balance this malarkey out"

 **lasered corn:** SO YOU WERE THE ONE KEEPING ME FROM MY TRUE LOVE THE ENTIRE TIME DAMIEN

 **m@raub:** Still a better love story than Twilight

* * *

_[12:32 am]_

**wildwildwes:** DAMIEN STILL HASN'T EXPLAINED THE HORSES THING TO ME AND I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP UNTIL HE DOES

 **tacohashi:** oh... you know. ;)

 **wildwildwes:** I REALLY DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. noah gross man: Happy blaze day bitchachos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a minisode for 4/20 despite it being 25 minutes away from being 4/21 :o) i am boo boo the fool

****_in the **SMOSH** general chat..._

* * *

**damemen house:** oh god

 **noah gross man:** Happy blaze day bitchachos

 **lasered corn:** OH HELL YEAH TIME TO GET LIT

 **so kinky:** You better not be smoking without me, motherfucker

 **noah gross man:** Wait r u 2 smokin 2gether

 **noah gross man:** And u didnt even bother 2 invite me

 **noah gross man:** Im fucking offended

 **lasered corn:** YOU ALREADY KNOW WHERE I LIVE THOUGH

 **lasered corn:** YOU COULD ALWAYS JUST COME OVER

 **so kinky:** Oh shit man, join the party

 **noah gross man:** Hell yeah ill bring my stash

 **damemen house:** doesn't Brina not want you to smoke in the house

 **lasered corn:** WHAT SHE DOESNT KNOW WONT HURT HER

 **damemen house:** s

 **damemen house:** secondhand smoke is a thing

 **lasered corn:**  .

 **lasered corn:** WHAT SHE DOESNT KNOW WONT HURT HER THAT BADLY

 


	5. lasered corn: ITS MY BIRTHDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Summoning Day Lasercorn, you beautiful demonic entity.

**lasered corn:** ITS MY BIRTHDAY

 **shane top:** happy birthday will you marry me

 **lasered corn:** NO HOMO

 **shane top:** maybe a little homo

 **lasered corn:** ILL HAVE TO ASK BRINA FIRST THOUGH

 **shane top:** aw man she'll never say yes

 **lasered corn:** I ASKED HER AND SHE SAID YES

 **shane top:** oh fuck are you thinking a summer wedding or like what's the plan here

 **lasered corn:** LETS TAKE IT SLOW AT FIRST AND CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FIRST

 **shane top:** fair

 **damemen house:** happy birthday buddy! 22 years of chaos and terror have gone by so fast

 **tacohashi:** happy birthday fucknuts stop killing me in Minecraft

 **lasered corn:** NO

 **lasered corn:** ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND I WILL KILL AS I PLEASE

 **ian hecocks:** Happy birthday Lasercorn will you also marry me

 **lasered corn:** BRINA JUST KEEPS GIVING ME HER BLESSING TO MARRY YOU ALL SO I GUESS WERE ALL GETTING MARRIED

 **ian hecocks:** But I'm obviously your favorite spouse

 **lasered corn:** OF COURSE YOU ARE

 **lasered corn:** IANCORN CAN NEVER DIE

 **bigbossboots:** happy birthday you scare the living fuck out of me but i support you

 **noah gross man:** Happy birthday lmao

 **noah gross man:** Dont forget about our blaze session today ok

 **lasered corn:** I WOULD NEVER

 **joven of the shire:** Happy birthday, Lasercorn

 **joven of the shire:** Now you must best me in combat to prove that you've come of age

 **lasered corn:** DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO KICK YOUR ASS LIKE THIS JOVEN

 **joven of the shire:** Actually, now that you mention it...

 **lasered corn:** THATS WHAT I THOUGHT BITCH

 **livsaparty:** happy birthday boi

 **couwtney miwwew:** It's Birth Time!

 **leakydraws:**  happy summoning day you fuckin demon

 **so kinky:** Happy birthday, I'm ready to fucking kick your ass in any game we play

 **lasered corn:** OH FUCK OFF TRY HARD

 **m@raub:** Welcome to the dad club El Corn

 **beretathanyou:** Wait, he can't be a dad if he doesn't have a child.

 **m@raub:** I mean if he and Brina stay together there is no telling whether or not we will have a Babycorn

 **tacohashi:** a horrifying thought

 **so kinky:** I'll kick his kid's ass too

 **bigbossboots:** harsh

 **lasered corn:** IF YOU TOUCH MY HYPOTHETICAL CHILD I WILL SMITE YOU

 **fostertheperson:** um. are we still... talking about your birthday?

 **damemen house:** who really knows anymore


	6. couwtney miwwew: Yeah But Do You Think He's Hot Tho

**livsaparty:** so foster

 **fostertheperson:** yes...?

 **livsaparty:** how are you adjusting to the fam

 **fostertheperson:** i have this to say: y'all are Wild.

 **noah gross man:** Haha yeah

 **shane top:** we figured that was obvious by now

 **fostertheperson:** but you're all really funny too

 **livsaparty:** but like whos the funniest person here

 **fostertheperson:** DON'T DO ME DIRTY LIKE THIS OLIVIA

 **couwtney miwwew:** What It's A Valid Question

 **livsaparty:**  yeah and none of usll judge you

 **livsaparty:** unless you pick shayne

 **livsaparty:** in which case all of us will judge you

 **shane top:** yeah me especially

 **fostertheperson:** you mean literally anyone in this groupchat

 **noah gross man:** I mean i think those r the rules

 **livsaparty:** you know what sure

 **fostertheperson:** then i'd have to say lasercorn

 **lasered corn:** OH FUCK YEAH

 **noah gross man:** Ok no 1 can judge u u have excellent taste

 **couwtney miwwew:** Honestly You Made The Best Choice

 **shane top:**  it's true but he shouldn't say it

 **fostertheperson:** i was forced to say it but go off i guess

 **livsaparty:** ok out of the not gamers squad whos the funniest

 **fostertheperson:** aren't you all playing video games with each other though?

 **leakydraws:** yeah but were not nerds like the game crew

 **joven of the shire:** That's fair

 **fostertheperson:** um... i mean, i think that noah's pretty funny?

 **noah gross man:** Thanks its mostly the weed

 **fostertheperson:** oh. uh huh.

 **couwtney miwwew:** So You Like Stoners Huh

 **noah gross man:** Hell yeah we know how 2 work a crowd

 **lasered corn:** WE DONT FEEL FEAR BECAUSE WERE TOO HIGH TO FEEL THE STING OF REJECTION

 **livsaparty:**  so new question

 **livsaparty:** who do you think just from talking to us all is the cutest

 **fostertheperson:** you do realize i've only ever seen damien face to face right

 **damemen house:** dude, if you want to see us all in person you're always welcome to join us for a round of game bang

 **so kinky:** Yeah, I think this time Joe wanted to see us all butcher the latest Just Dance game

 **beretathanyou:** It's fun for the whole family, so long as we don't see Joven's ass crack.

 **joven of the shire:** Shut up

 **fostertheperson:** okay so i'm going to ask about the whole "game bang" situation later because that's not something one brings up completely non sequitur like that

 **m@raub:** Oh you think because you can use fancy words like "non sequitur" that you're better than us? Grow up

 **fostertheperson:** okay so Matt Raub has a terrible attitude so his appearance is probably not that nice

 **m@raub:** You're a goddamn fool because I'm the most beautiful man I've ever seen

 **fostertheperson:** um... just from intuition alone

 **fostertheperson:** i'd say that shayne's probably pretty cute

 **shane top:** sounds fake but ok

 **fostertheperson:** but like in that "frat bro that'll also housesit your cat and hold your hair back while you throw up" kind of way

 **shane top:** you know what, you're actually correct

 **couwtney miwwew:** Who Else Do You Think Is Cute Tho!!!!!

 **fostertheperson:** ummmmm you sound really cute

 **couwtney miwwew:** AAAAAAAAAAAA THANK YOUUUUUUUUUU

 **fostertheperson:** mari seems like she's a hot aunt

 **tacohashi:** hell yeah I am.

 **fostertheperson:** boze seems really pretty

 **bigbossboots:** incorrect but i respect ur opinion boo

 **fostertheperson:** OH and olivia seems like she's just... ethereal

 **livsaparty:** do i? lmao

 **fostertheperson:** but like i said, i've only ever seen damien in person though

 **couwtney miwwew:** Yeah But Do You Think He's Hot Tho

 **fostertheperson:** can i plead the fifth

 **damemen house:** yeah like, you don't need to pressure him

 **fostertheperson:** i mean, sure, you're cute, damien, but like... i literally know next to nothing about all of you

 **damemen house:** thank you!

 **shane top:** this shit's cute as hell

 **fostertheperson:** shut up

 **tacohashi:** see? you're getting the hang of things around here!

 **tacohashi:** you've only been here a week or so, and you're already telling Shayne to shut up!

 **shane top:** you're a natural, kid

 **fostertheperson:** anyway i feel awkward now but i will join you on your quest for "game bang"

 **fostertheperson:** so long as it's not some sort of orgy

 **lasered corn:** OH THATS EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS

 **wildwildwes:** SO SHOULD WE PLAN FOR YOU NOT TO JOIN US, OR


	7. shane top: that wasn't very chaotic dilf of you :/

**fostertheperson:** so game bang is actually really fun

**fostertheperson:** but the name.

**wildwildwes:** WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE NAME????????

**fostertheperson:** everything. every fucking thing

**shane top:** okay but who knew that you were gonna actually kick ass at Just Dance 20-whatever fucking year Just Dance has deluded itself into believing it is

**damemen house:** i mean, he IS a music student

**damemen house:** that means he has good rhythm

**lasered corn:** YOU DONT EXACTLY LIVE UP TO THAT EXPECTATION DAMIEN

**lasered corn:** YOU MOVE LIKE SOMEONES CONTROLLING YOU WITH A DIRECTIONAL PAD AND NOT EVEN ATTEMPTING TO MOVE YOU IN ANY OF THE NONCARDINAL DIRECTIONS

**fostertheperson:**  but just because i was okay at Just Dance doesn't mean y'all let me rest in peace after i kicked damien's ass huh

**bigbossboots:** ok but in our defense it was your first game bang

**fostertheperson:** since when was that an excuse to force feed a hot pepper to a man with multiple stomach problems

**lasered corn:** NO ONE FORCE FED YOU THAT PEPPER

**fostertheperson:** you led a chant calling me a coward and wouldn't stop until i ate the pepper

**lasered corn:** MAYBE SO

**lasered corn:** BUT NOBODY ACTUALLY FORCED YOU TO EAT IT YOU NERD

**fostertheperson:** and after i adamantly refused due to my acid reflux, you literally grabbed the pepper and put it to my lips

**shane top:** i will say

**shane top:** that wasn't very chaotic dilf of you :/

**damemen house:** but hey it was really cool that you got to see all of us in person for the first time, foster!

**m@raub:** Did we all live up to your expectations

**fostertheperson:** if you mean in terms of all of you looking adorable all the time and being ethereal then yes

**beretathanyou:** Oh, you suck up.

**fostertheperson:** i will say though that i honestly think that joven is one of the hottest people in the gc now

**joven of the shire:** Wait, really

**fostertheperson:** yeah man

**joven of the shire:** Absolutely no one has ever said that to me, ever

**wildwildwes:** JOVEN, YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THO??????????!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?

**joven of the shire:** Yeah, but she's never told me that I'm one of the hottest people in our friend circle before

**joven of the shire:** Because let's be real, if I'm up against Wes, Shayne, Damien, and Keith, then I'm already out of the running

**shane top:** correct

**shane top:** foster said "one of the hottest" not THE hottest because if that were the case then i would smoke all you bitches

**couwtney miwwew:** Fuck You Shanye

**livsaparty:** y r we so interested in who foster thinks is hot tho

**noah gross man:** Yeah like y is that our go 2 topic of conversation lmao

**damemen house:** good question

* * *

**_couwtney miwwew_ ** _is PMing **fostertheperson**..._

**couwtney miwwew:** Okay First Of All Who Knew You Were Such A Good Dancer

**couwtney miwwew:** Second Of All Thank You For Thinking I'm Adorable And Ethereal

**couwtney miwwew:** But Now I Gotta Know

**couwtney miwwew:** WHAT WAS UP WITH THE WAY YOU WERE LOOKING AT DAMIEN MY DUDE

**fostertheperson:** um what

**couwtney miwwew:** Like You Two Were Looking At Each Other All The Damn Time During Game Bang

**fostertheperson:** yeah because i'm familiar with him considering that we see each other at least twice a week to practice our piece together for the scholarship board

**couwtney miwwew:** Well You Seemed Pretty Familiar With Damimen's Ass Too

**fostertheperson:** i have never once looked at an ass scout's honor

**fostertheperson:** if anything i was looking at shayne and wes's asses

**fostertheperson:** they have nice butts

**fostertheperson:** i might be asexual but i have eyes and a good sense of judgement

**couwtney miwwew:** I See You're A Fellow Connoisseur Of Asses

**fostertheperson:** i'm an ass man what can i say

**couwtney miwwew:** BUT LIKE.... I CAN TELL THAT DAMIEN THINKS YOU'RE CUTE UWU UWU UWU

**fostertheperson:** okay but... we've literally only known each other for like 3 weeks, tops

**fostertheperson:** he's attractive and all that but i'm not going to just rush into a relationship or anything

**fostertheperson:** also considering that i've literally never had a romantic relationship before

**couwtney miwwew:** WAIT REALLY????????

**fostertheperson:** um. yeah?

**couwtney miwwew:** Oh You're Literally SO CUTEEEEEEEEEE

**fostertheperson:** is that a compliment or

**couwtney miwwew:** But Also I Kinda Want To Go Back To The Shayne And Wes Thing

**fostertheperson:** oh you mean me admiring their asses

**couwtney miwwew:** YEAH

**fostertheperson:** i won't say that i have a crush on Wes because he's very hyper and while it's cute in a really endearing way it doesn't speak "potential crush" to me

**fostertheperson:** Shayne is just. super conventionally attractive

**fostertheperson:** and he's basically just Damien but he swears more

**couwtney miwwew:** Oooooooooooooooooooo

**couwtney miwwew:** Thank You For Sharing Your Tea With Me uwu

**fostertheperson:** i'm not sure what tea there is to spill

**couwtney miwwew:** What Are You And Damimem Planning On Singing For Your Piece Btw owo

**fostertheperson:** well we've kinda been going back and forth but we've both really liked two duets from Dodie

**fostertheperson:** specifically uhhh "An Awkward Duet" and "A Love Song/A Non-Love Song"

**couwtney miwwew:** Jesus Christ Y'all Really Gonna Play Yourselves Like That Huh

**fostertheperson:** YEAH I KNOW THEY'RE BOTH LOVE SONGS OKAY IT'S NOT ABOUT THE LOVE SONG PART THOUGH IT'S ABOUT THE TECHNICAL SKILL AND THE PERFORMANCE

**couwtney miwwew:** Sure Jan


	8. damemen house: our friends are assholes

_**damemen house** is PMing  **shane top**..._

 

**damemen house:** so do you have any idea why everyone keeps trying to say that me and foster have a crush on each other

**shane top:** i don't

**shane top:** you would think that after seeing me, foster would've already given up that prospect

**shane top:** i'm just so tragically handsome that he would have no choice but to madly fall in love with me

**shane top:** if i were a shakespeare character, that would end up being my downfall

**shane top:** and my mistress? hubris herself

**damemen house:** hey, could you just perish real quick

**shane top:** yeah sure

**damemen house:** but yeah seriously what the hell are they doing

**damemen house:** do they not realize that we've literally only known each other for maybe 3 weeks or so

**damemen house:** is this fun for them

**damemen house:** if that's the case then i hate to say it but

**damemen house:** our friends are assholes

**shane top:** dude, you once had a relationship with a boy that you had spoken to maybe once after he moved from wisconsin

**damemen house:** WHY IS EVERYBODY BRINGING GUS UP

**shane top:** BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY HEARD HIM CRACK A JOKE ONCE AND THEN ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO DATE YOU

**damemen house:** THAT'S HOW MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING WORKED SHAYNE

**damemen house:** REMEMBER HOW COURTNEY WAS OFF AND ON WITH JOHNNY FOR LIKE 4 OR 5 YEARS

**shane top:** oh shit true

**shane top:** anyway you went on one date with him and had yourself convinced you were gonna marry him

**damemen house:** HE MADE SURE TO GET HELP WHEN I STARTED SNEEZING AROUND THE HORSES

**damemen house:** HE WAS SO FUNNY AND POLITE

**shane top:** that doesn't mean you're allowed to ask him to marry you when you're both 13 and have only known each other for 2 weeks

**damemen house:** IT WAS A LAPSE OF JUDGEMENT OKAY

**shane top:** you didn't even have a ring

**shane top:** it was just a piece of paper that you scribbled rainbow colors on and taped together

**shane top:** and you just hoped that it would fit around his finger

**shane top:** and then when he refused and broke up with you you put it around your finger and cried in the bathroom

**shane top:** and it was too big for you but it wasn't for me so i wore it the rest of the day

**damemen house:** LEAVE ME ALONE :(

**shane top:** i think i still have it somewhere

**shane top:** I THINK I COVERED IT IN TAPE TO PRESERVE IT

**shane top** has sent an attachment: "it is here.jpg"

**shane top:** the gay 8th grade proposal ring is still attached to my fucking keychain

**damemen house:** wow that's really sweet actually i'd be touched if you hadn't brought us to this point via cyberbullying

**shane top:** WHATEVER POINT IS THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TEASE YOU WE STILL LOVE YOU

**shane top:** YOU BIG PAN DISASTER MAN

**shane top:** and also you should make more gay paper chain links so we can all have our own

**damemen house:** that's actually a cute idea

**damemen house:** but also i don't have a crush on foster

**damemen house:** like yeah he's cute but like....... so are a bunch of people

**damemen house:** lasercorn's cute. mari's cute. boze is cute. hell, you're cute dude

**shane top:** wow thanks dude no homo tho

**damemen house:** no homo

**shane top:** yeah just because you think someone's attractive doesn't mean that you have a crush on them

**damemen house:** the songs that we have in mind for our duet are really cutesy though so we're probably gonna keep getting weird jokes about us being together

**shane top:** oh man send me links nerd

**damemen house:** ok fine

**damemen house:** [here you go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZXj65JCBmk)  [you bastard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcYJA8qvW7k)

**shane top:** those are cute actually

**damemen house:** they really are

**damemen house:** both of them were foster's recommendations too i think

**shane top:** oh

**shane top:** are you sure that's not like. a signal he's giving you to say that he thinks you're cute

**damemen house:** dude no what

**shane top:** idk i mean Aaliyah used to send me cute songs before we started dating

**damemen house:** that doesn't mean foster'd do the same thing

**damemen house:** also, speaking of aaliyah, how are you doing after that

**shane top:** fine

**shane top:** i mean, as fine as i can be after getting broken up with via text

**damemen house:** wait, i thought you said that *you* broke up with *her*

**damemen house:** ????

**shane top:** oh, yeah i lied about that

**shane top:** i didn't want to believe that i was the problem in that relationship

**damemen house:** if the relationship was that bad, then both of you had issues

**shane top:** yeah

**shane top:** btw how did you know you were into people other than women

**shane top:** just out of curiosity

**damemen house:** shayne, are you questioning your sexuality?

**shane top:** ...yeah

**damemen house:** dude hold on i'll be right over we're gonna watch some movies and talk this shit out

**damemen house:** oh do you mind if foster comes too, he's pretty pan as well

**damemen house:** plus i kinda told him that we'd be cancelling our practice for today because i had a friend have a sexuality emergency

**shane top:** uh sure

**shane top:** and if you're not into him maybe i'll give it a shot

**damemen house:** whoa i didn't take you for the type to date after just knowing someone for such a short amount of time

**shane top:** what can i say

**shane top:** i'm just a humble slut


	9. Shayne: You both are awful and I care about you so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is actually Not Chat so this is formatted about the same except it's actual dialogue between characters! UwU

**Damien:** Okay, buddy. We came with popcorn, candy, chips, and soda.

**Foster:** I don't know what kind of candy you like, so I just kinda grabbed whatever I liked.

**Shayne:** You two are fucking nerds. Thank you.

**Foster:** We got Reese's peanut butter cups, Three Musketeers, Kit Kats-

**Shayne:** Holy shit, you got Kit Kats?

**Foster:** Uh, yeah?

**Shayne:** I'm in love with you.

**Foster:** ...Uh huh...?

**Damien:** Kit Kats are his favorite candy bar. One time I saw him pull one out of his hat during the practice SATs.

**Shayne:** THEY DIDN'T GIVE US BREAKS, DAMIEN.

**Foster:** God, I remember the PSATs. They were awful. The only good thing about them was going to see what memes people made of them.

**Damien:** Honestly, yeah. I think I still have some of those memes saved on my old high school email address.

**Shayne:** Weren't those memes illegal?

**Foster:** If they were so illegal, then how come none of us tiny bastard children got arrested?

**Damien:** Honestly, they probably didn't want any of us in the prison system. We're all too gay and too chaotic to be allowed anywhere near dangerous criminals.

**Foster:** Speaking of gay, what... exactly spurred this realization, Shayne?

**Shayne:** Ugh... I don't wanna talk about my sexuality crisis right now, I just wanna watch some movies with some friends and get wasted on Kit Kats until I can't even look at them for a week.

**Foster:** Fair enough. Although you will have to talk eventually. You know that, right?

**Damien:** And when you decide to do that, we're both gonna be here for you.

**Foster:** Um, I know that we haven't known each other that long, but really, I want to be as good a friend as I can be, and I know how difficult it is to realize something as big as this on your own. I wish someone had been there for me when I was discovering that I was trans, or asexual. I had people supporting me when I came out as panromantic, but before then, I was just alone on this lifeboat, in a sea of uncertainty, and I was scared as fuck. So I understand the feeling.

**Damien:** ...I can't say I understand, because you, Ian, Noah, Mari, and Boze were there when I came out, first as gay, then bi, then pan. But I'm right here for you too, buddy. You helped me out more than I can even say, and I want you to feel like you have that same support system in me.

**Shayne:** ...Shut the fuck up, you fucking nerds.

**Foster:** Oh my God, did we break Shayne?

**Damien:** I... I think he's just crying.

**Foster:** Why is he crying?!

**Damien:** I assume out of happiness.

**Shayne:** Your assumption is correct, you fuckin' asshole.

**Foster:** *hushed*  _Um. This is the first time someone's hugged me that's not my family in like. 2 years. I don't know what to do with my hands._

**Shayne:**   _I think you're supposed to hug back, nerd._

**Foster:**   _Oh. Right. Yeah. Fair enough._

**Damien:** Aww, this is cute! Bonding time with Dames, Shaynes, and... well dagnabbit, your name kinda fucks up the structure, Foster.

**Foster:** I'm... sorry? I think?

**Damien:** Well, do you have any names that rhyme with Dames and Shaynes?

**Foster:** Uh, my middle name is Lane?

**Damien:** DAMES, SHAYNES, AND LANES!

**Foster:** You know, you could just ask for my first name, right?

**Shayne:** Wait, Foster isn't your first name?

**Foster:** No. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before? I think?

**Damien:** Probably. But the group chat moves too fast for anybody to see a damn thing.

**Foster:** True, true. Um... My first name is Sterling.

**Shayne:** ...Like the dude that played Chad on So Random?

**Foster:** Yeah, but I didn't choose it based on that!

**Shayne:** Why did you choose it, then?

**Foster:** Well, I was looking up names for myself, before I officially came out as a trans guy, and I wanted something that meant something related to space. So I was looking, and a lot of the names were feminine, and I wasn't about that. Plus, I didn't want to name myself something that wasn't European in origin, since I'm the whitest boy in the west.

**Damien:** Hey, now, I could've been a contender for that title.

**Foster:** Can you let me finish my story, you big pansexual nightmare boy?! ...Okay. So, I came across Sterling, and it was the ONE name out of the few I could find that was both masculine AND not from an origin that I didn't have heritage in. Sterling comes from Stirling, which means "excellent", which in-and-of-itself was derived from Old English that means "little star."

**Shayne:** That's cute as hell.

**Damien:** ...It suits you.

**Foster:** R-Really? Because I didn't want to sound presumptuous by saying that my name meant "star" or anything like that-

**Damien:** No, it's great!

**Shayne:** Stop flirting, you big doofus! I'm right here!

**Damien:** I'M NOT FLIRTING, YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN THE REST OF OUR FRIENDS.

**Shayne:** Says who?

**Damien:** SAYS ME.

**Foster:** Okay, okay. What kind of movie were you thinking of watching, Shayne?

**Shayne:** Um... I didn't really get that far in my head. The majority of my thought process was you two coming over, me hugging you both for being supportive, and then just talking for a bit. I didn't get to the movie selection part of my imagined scenario.

**Damien:** Ooh, you wanna know what movie we should watch together?

**Foster:** Oh, worm?

**Damien:** A Nightmare on Elm Street 2- Wait, did you just "oh, worm" in a real life conversation?

**Foster:** I wanted to interject, and my mouth moved faster than my brain.

**Damien:** Uh huh. Sure.

**Foster:** That's actually a good rec. It's got a gay actor in the lead role, and it's not SUPER scary. I think it's great!

**Shayne:** Damien. You already know how I deal with horror movies. You know that I'm a goddamn baby of a man. I'm 21 years old and I still scream like a CHILD.

**Damien:** Which is precisely why we're choosing this movie. To help you get out of your mindset, and also because you're baby.

**Shayne:** You both are awful and I care about you so much.

**Damien:** We'll take breaks in between sometime to check in on you, baby boy.

**Shayne:** Thank you, oh gracious one. Your kindness will not be forgotten any time soon. Let it be known that Damien Haas is the owner of the Most Charitable Douchebag of the Year Award. LET ALL WHO STAND IN HIS WAY BE CRUSHED BY THE WEIGHT OF HIS GENEROSITY-

**Damien:** Fuck you, Shan-ye.

**Foster:** Is this just how it is?

**Damien:** It really is.

**Foster:** Oh, so then it's basically a normal friendship. Just a bit more homoerotic with the use of baby boy.

**Damien:** Well it's not been a problem for either of us, yet, so... the nickname stays.

**Shayne:** Okay, but can I sit in the middle so if I get scared, I have choices as to who to cling onto during my instant panic attack?

**Foster:** You just want an excuse to cuddle.

**Damien:** Now that you're queer, you think that you can just waltz in and hug us fine young gents. No sirree. Not today.

**Shayne:** YOU SUCK, I JUST WANT TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CALM ME DOWN.

**Damien:** A likely story.

**Shayne:** ...Okay, maybe I want hugs, too.

**Damien:** That's what I thought.


End file.
